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The Decision That Changed My Life...


Life is ever changing... In such a time of uncertainity as we are living now there is absolutely no denying that...


Today though, May 2, is especially significant in representing change to me... 12 years ago today I left a 16 year marriage (17 year relationship) with my 4 children... it was one of the hardest, yet most life changing decisions I have ever made in my life... And I have never looked back nor regretted it... That decision transformed me into the woman I am today... I discovered myself... my true self... walking away from an abusive relationship takes alot of courage, but it must be done... If you or anyone you know is in one, please read this...

Until today, I have only shared this story with people close to me (& counselors).. It has taken 12 years for me to be able to write and share my story, I hope it helps at least one person take the steps they need to in order to create a bright new beggining for themselves...


At 16 I met a boy who seemed to have his shit together at only 19 years old and I thought I had found the boy of my dreams... It was far from a fairytale, yet we did have our good times and we had 4 beautiful amd amazing children... but it was toxic nonetheless... He came from a family who saw arguing and demeaning one another as normal... I came from a troubled childhood with a pretty fucked up mother... but I did have a firm foundation that my grandparents built my first 5 years with them... I knew what a happy home looked like, I also knew what hell looked like and I was somewhere in the middle in my marriage... Good enough, right? He had good intentions and a good heart, just a very different upbringing and we had made a commitment... So regardless of the mental, emotional and sometimes even physical abuse, I stayed... I tried to be a good wife and mother, I wasn't always I admit that... But it became harder and harder as the years went by and his temper grew through the struggles we faced... For years people would recognize what was going on and tell me to get out... He's trying to do better, we will work things out, we have to for the kids I would respond... My confidence and self respect was almost nonexistant... I read lots of books, did yoga, meditated, all sorts of things to better myself... I even started working in sales for a few years and wow!!! I was really successful, it gave me just the confidence I needed to see what life could be... I still tried to make the marriage work, I thought perhaps it was my lack of confidence and belief in myself that had caused the problems... Long story short... It was not!!! His temper grew even more over the years as I became more independent and successful in my endeavors... I came to see that it was very emascuting to him when I did so... We ended up in a weird little town, over an hour away away from the central area we had decided to live in, the town he worked in... we had one vehicle (anytime I managed to get a car of my own over the years he somehow decided it needed to be sold) I was stuck, stranded in a small logging town in Humboldt, no friends, no community, homeschooling our children... and the house we were in, well that is a whole other depressing story haha... I tried to make the best of it and decorated the house as cute as I could, took the children for daily walks and tried to manifest a bright future as I did these things... Then, an amazing job oppurtunity appeared, if I got it I would work in a historical building I had always wanted to see the inside of (the only was to see it was to be a member of an elite group or work there!) I was excited, so excited and it would work well with our schedule. I could still homeschool the kids while he worked and I would leave when he arrived home... I was discussing having him fax my resume from his work the following day and suddenly something snapped, he was so angry... I was baffled... I remembered dinner was cooking so I said I'd be right back, jumped up and ran quickly to the kitchen... He never listened to me, so he didn't pay attention to what I had said, he was pissed, I ran away is all he could see... He came after me in a way he never had before, I had never been so frightened, even in our worst moments... What was happening!?! He was livid! Yelling, virtually foaming at the mouth and then the worst came... He grabbed me by my neck, lifted me up and shook me (he is 6'3 about 240lbs and I am at the time 5'4 maybe 115lbs) it was terrifing... then he put me down and let go... I gasped for air, trembling with fear, he grabbed me yet again and did the same thing once more, only this time the children were trying to see what all the commotion was about... my oldest saw, then he quickly pushed the younger ones back into the living room and kept them from witnessing what was happening... Meanwhile he sat me down again and just as thought it was over he grabbed me one last time lifted me over his head shook me violently as I feared my children witnessing my death... this time when he sat me down I dropped to the floor and rolled into a ball, protecting myself as well as I could while shaking with fear and begging him please not to hurt me... The yelling, mental and emotional abuse continued all night, I fell asleep with him screaming at me... The next day all that remained was a shell of myself... I couldn't get out of bed, I didn't want any lights on and my neck hurt so much... I stayed in bed for about a month in that dark room... I did the bare minimum to survive and provide for the children... that was January 2008... I was stuck there... I had no way out and no family members were willing to help me... I felt so hopeless... After my month of darkness came to an end, I saw a good friend of mine, we met at the park with the kids... I tired to pretend life was normal, but I had changed and it was painifully obvious... She finally asked what was going on and if I was okay... I told her everything and in that moment she became my ally, she would be my rock for the next few months... On his days off I went and stayed with her, we talked, laughed and went on adventures... She had been through something very similar, it was such a blessing to have her... I knew I needed to leave him, get away and figure out my next step... But how... for months no one was happy, I had my own room, I hid there with the door locked when he was home, it was all so unhealthy... May 1, 2008 I made a life changing decision... The next day I was taking him to work, the kids and I had school things to take care of in town. This was my chance to escape!!! I dropped him off at work, dropped my oldest off for testing and then told the younger ones what I had decided... We were leaving in a few hours... I made the neccessary calls to figure out how to do this legally, I had stops to make and papers to file before we could leave... When we returned to pick my oldest up I informed him of what was happeneing... the children were all so relieved, I knew I was doing the right thing... I contacted the man I did sales for to let him know I needed to return the unit I had and let him know what I was doing, instead of returning it, he insisted I take another so I would have a sorce of income when I got to Tahoe... The Universe certainly seemed to be on our side... The next few months, years even were a struggle... But they were also years filled with tons of personal growth and manifesting!!! 12 years later I sit here (in the middle of a global pandemic) filled with gratitude and proud of myself for making that very hard decision that changed my life... I have fulfilled many dreams and reached goals I never fathomed I could... I am at a point in my life where I truly believe in myself and know life will only become more rewarding and filled with more joy as time passes... I never thought life could feel this way when I was married to him...


There are many resources out there to help women who are in situations like that... Unfortunately they may not know about them... Shelters can be a great safehaven to help transition from an abusive relationship, if you do not have family or friends to help you... Please please if you are in an abusive relationship or know someone who is... It needs to change!!!! Find the resources you need, search engines are our friends now, wish they would have been around 20 years ago, perhaps I would have left sooner... It is scary to leave, even when your home life is hell... A woman who has been abused, may think it is her fault or she deserves it... I grew up with such a terrible mother, I believed that my marriage was the best I could hope for... I had no faith in myself... and sometimes i believed he was changeing, he would be sweet, apologize, promise to get help, to make thungs better.... Ladies this is called the cycle of abuse... BREAK THAT CYCLE!!! I DID!!! (and if i can do it, anyone can!!! just believe in yourself!) One decision changed my life!!! If you are scared to make a change, reach out to a friend or family memeber OR reach out to me if you need and I will encourage you!!!! Call a couselor, look for a women's shelter, talk to people who care and possibly even want to help you... And know you deserve better!!! We all deserve to persue our dreams and be happy!!!! No matter where you are today, l know that a simple decision can change your life!!! Admist all the chaos of the world right now, all of the loss I have experienced in the last year... I am still happier than I was then... I love myself now and realize I am worhty of love and happiness and I can achieve anything I set my mind to with or without a man in my life...


Remember, you are powerful enough to chnage your circumstances, no matter how difficult it may seem in the moment... You can walk away and decide to...


FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!! PURSUE YOUR DREAMS!!! MANIFEST BLISS!!!!


You can create the reality you desire... it only takes one simple decision, followed by the action to make it happen!!!


I'll end with this.... To anyone out there who has had the courgae to leave an abusive relationship... I am proud of you!!! I know you're proud of yourself and if for some reason you are not... Well, you absolutley should be!!! And i hope I have encouraged you to possibly share your story as well to encourage those who are still trapped in one... Your story could inspire a beautiful new beginning... I hope mine does... Wasn't easy to share, but I felt it was time... During the quarantine there has been a rise in domestic abuse... I hope to show at least one woman, there is a way out and another Once Upon a Time awaits you... Now go discover it!!!



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